In addition to working on the newsletter and CD, during the last couple days I’ve been working on some “framework” issues on the book.
When I was writing the first version, each chapter was an adventure unto itself, with no particular standard way of organizing it. This meant I had to come up with an organizational pattern from scratch, then try to fit it into the overall shape of the book, and find connecting themes within what I wanted to say.
And doing that usually meant writing a lot of stuff…
And then throwing most of it away!
In this second go-round, I don’t plan to be so wasteful of my time. I want to have roadmaps to tell me where the writing is going, to plan out my themes and connections in advance, so I can still write the same high quality, engaging stuff that people loved in the first version, but without so much angst and waste.
And what I realized in the last few days is that the part that caused me the most headaches, was trying like crazy to write everything so that a “naturally struggling” person (like I used to be) would be so motivated and fired up that they would actually do all the exercises and use all the techniques…
Even though, when I was a natural struggler, there’s no way anybody could’ve gotten me to do that, no matter how persuasive they were!
Hell, when I first sat down to write the first version, I spent a ridiculous amount of time throwing away first-chapter drafts that basically amounted to me haranguing my past self for never doing anything I read in self-help books.
I really want to write a book that I could stick in a time machine, and send back to myself, 10, 20 years ago… a book so vivid and specific that it would be like my hands were literally coming out of the pages to grab my younger self by the neck and yell…
“Do this!!! NOW!!!!”
Something that would get past all my younger self’s defenses and excuses and beliefs, and get him to take action. To make him practice the skills of planning and focus and emotional control that I now value, but would’ve dismissed in a heartbeat back then.
And so, when I was writing the first version, any time I still felt like there was some excuse, some defense my younger self had left, I wanted to keep on writing, to nail down every last objection until there was nothing left. And to cut even a tiny bit of it was agony – like abandoning my younger self to wither and die.
I know, the book’s not really going back in a time machine, and it’s not really written to my younger self. But if you’re in the same “naturally struggling” place that I was, then you are like my younger self, and I feel exactly the same about abandoning you.
Because I’m afraid that if I focus on making the book writeable and readable, I’ll end up with “just another self-help book” – sure, one based on superior mind-hacking technology, but one that naturally struggling people will still find a way to fail at using!
But it occurred to me today that this attitude isn’t really helping anyone. Because even though they often seem to go together…
Love And Fear Are Not The Same!
And speaking of which… wow. Took a quick break to get a snack, checked my email, and found a really emotional comment on the Thinking Things Done site. An anonymous reader is really really upset with me for not having the book done sooner, and calls me a fraud, among other things. Ouch.
I fire off a smiling-on-the-outside, hurting-on-the-inside response. He (she?) hit me right smack on one of the buttons I was just starting to write about in this article: the guilt of not having done more, and the fear of never doing enough.
See, as I told my subscribers in the April newsletter (and incidentally wrote a bit about here), the naturally struggling mindset is all about all-or-nothing thinking. Either you’re perfect or you’re not. You’re good or you’re not. You did everything you could, or you’re a terrible awful person.
Either-or, either-or, either-or. Either you’re a naturally successful person and therefore perfect all the time, free of all angst and self-doubt and never have any troubles whatsoever, or…
You’re A Fraud And A Failure!
So my anonymous commenting friend actually did me a favor today. Because it made me realize what I needed to do next about my own frame of mind.
After all, for many months now, I’ve been beating myself up in just the same way on the inside, as my anonymous friend just did on the outside. Mostly, I’d just brush it off, focus on all the good things I’d been accomplishing, and then move on.
But it finally occurred to me today, that I’ve been just putting off the problem, by thinking it would be over when I finished the book. Thinking that, once it was done and “perfect”, that I would never have to worry about whether I was really and truly successful, or if there was still some chance I was just fooling myself.
And That’s Just Freaking Insane!
See, brains don’t do destinations. We think they do, but they don’t. Imagining that you can struggle and be successful, is like thinking you can “fight for peace” or “fuck for virginity”.
It’s an absolute contradiction in terms.
Because if your brain is set in the struggling mode, then struggling is what you experience. If it’s in the success mode, then success is what you experience.
And this is entirely independent of whatever “objective” results you produce – or don’t. You can struggle and get things done, but still have your life suck, and never ever feel like you did enough. (Been there, done that!)
Or you can enjoy making progress in your life, without it really mattering how quickly or slowly the results are coming. (Am there, doing that!)
And as I wrote in some of my recent rewrite work on the book:
No, this book isn’t really about getting things done. It’s about having a life worth living… a life in which a lot of stuff just happens to get done.
Because the difference between these two mindsets, between success and struggling, is in your attitude towards setbacks.
After all, I’ve written and spoken over and over about how my naturally successful friends (like Josh Kaufman over at PersonalMBA.com) seem absolutely unable to even perceive or acknowledge failure for more than a split second before they snap back into focus on positive goals for their future. They think “more”, not “either-or”.
But when you’re a naturally struggling person, like I was, you tend to view life through the “either-or” filter, not the “more” filter. So when I used to compare myself to guys like Josh, who’s got his business way more in order than mine in some ways, I would always find myself wanting.
And I’d keep thinking I found the magic “it” that meant I was now officially a “naturally successful person”… and then some setback would happen, and I’d lose my way again.
Beat myself up for having thought I was any good at it.
Brush myself off and try again.
But a few months ago, when I finally began to grasp the whole “or vs. more” and “fixed vs. growth” mindsets concept, I saw how I was getting this whole thing backwards.
Because if you measure yourself by the standards of a naturally struggling person, you will never be a naturally successful person.
Because it is that very process of measurement…
That Is Itself The Difference!
And the moment you truly realize that success and struggle are not an either-or thing, you are no longer naturally struggling.
You may not be very naturally successful, either, but you are no longer required to struggle!
Instead, the more you practice your “more” thinking, the more you begin to enjoy your life… and incidentally, get stuff done.
Now, this was a tough idea for me to accept in some ways. For years and years I had a really cynical attitude about self-help stuff, and an insistence on finding things that worked instantly, without needing a lot of practice, etc.
And what I have consistently discovered is this: blocks can be eliminated instantly, but growth takes time. And even though blocks can be eliminated instantly, it still takes time to find and identify them.
Each block I remove frees up my life a little bit. But at some point, it becomes less about removing the blocks, and more about actually developing as a person. Learning new skills, and putting them into practice. Growing new pathways in the brain.
Becoming more of the person I want to be!
Yeah, I’m still an impatient cuss. I insist that any new practices I teach (like the new IDOC and CALL processes) still be able to provide instant benefits. None of that “just try it for 30 days” crap for me, thanks!
But the impact that my nightly CALL has on my attitude has been getting better and better over the last few weeks, as it becomes more and more natural to think in the positive way that it forces my brain to use.
I guess you could say that dropping a negative attitude can be done very quickly, but building positive attitudes is something…
You Do For A Lifetime
Just ask Josh, or any other naturally successful person. Because every one of them that I know, is always looking to improve themselves and their lives.
Not because they feel that anything about their life is inadequate, but because they like more. They like challenge. Growth. Opportunity.
You know, all those business buzzwords you hear from the go-getters and political weasels who don’t really mean them.
But naturally successful people really do mean them.
Okay, so I got a bit off track here, but the above is all really important stuff to know.
Because, if you could really get everything I just said in this whole digression, you too would be a naturally successful person…
Right Now!
In practice, of course, I don’t expect anyone to “get it” from just an explanation, any more than you can “get” how to ride a bicycle from just an explanation.
Because in practice, you need practice. (Which is why I designed IDOC and CALL to provide specific, narrow, situational practices that provide immediate benefits and long-term practice in naturally-successful thinking. But I’m digressing again!)
Anyway, here’s where I was going: when you’re in the naturally struggling mindset, you expect perfection of yourself and others, because you see everything as either-or. That’s why both my anonymous commenter and I were both so upset at my “failures”: (I was ignoring my successes, and s/he was ignoring all the good things they received from me for free.)
But positive and negative emotions are mostly independent, which means you can feel good and bad at the same time. So I certainly still felt good about all the tons of things I’ve accomplished since I started my mindhacking journey, the massive improvements I’ve made in my quality of life and my productivity.
But I also felt bad, because it wasn’t “enough”. I “could’ve done more”. “Should’ve done more”. And if my techniques were really so good…
I “Should” Be Perfect By Now!
And today, I let that comment get me down for a while, thinking in this way… all the while completely overlooking the “either-or” thinking here!
That is, “either I’m perfect, or I’m a fake”. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve accomplished, only that I haven’t accomplished everything that’s humanly, theoretically possible to do, entirely ignoring what kind of quality of life I might have in the process.
Now, let me ask you something:
Is This What You Expect Of Yourself?
God I hope not. Because I’m sure as hell not going to teach you that.
Let’s leave “no pain, no gain” to the Hardassians, eh? They enjoy that sort of masochism.
What I teach is the Effortless Way of getting things done. The way where things come naturally and you feel good about doing them… and incidentally, they go a lot faster and better in the process.
Not perfectly. Just faster and better. And the more you practice, the more you get faster and better.
By the way, you notice how it’s fast-er and bett-er? That’s because those “er” sounds mean more.
Improvement.
Growth.
Not “Or”, But “More”!
Because the more you enjoy your work, the more you’ll want to work. And the more you work, the better you’ll get at it. And the better you get at it, the easier it gets… and the more you enjoy it… and so on, and so on, and so on.
More, more, more. That’s how natural success works!
I used to think that there was some magic ingredient that made guys like Josh so good at what they do. Now I know, they’ve just had more practice.
But I beg you: do not, under any circumstances, confuse this “more loop” with the idea that “success is just hard work”.
Because, in the naturally struggling mindset, that thought just reinforces the idea that you need to struggle.
And it’s not like that at all!
Since I did the new outline for the book, I’ve been having an absolute blast working on it. In some ways, it’s “harder” than the work I was doing before, because I’m aiming higher. But at the same time, it’s far more exciting and enjoyable… because I’m experiencing more.
It works like this: you think, “the more X, the more Y”. Like, “the more I work on the book, the more excited I become about how cool it’s going to be.”
That’s it. That’s all. Simplicity in itself, although learning to believe it, and to drop any conflicting “either-or” thinking can be a bit more challenging. (Hence the book, and the techniques.)
Which all brings me back to today, and the challenge posed by my anonymous friend.
After reading it, I find myself being down on myself, accepting the evaluation of “fraud”, because, from the struggling mindset, how can I refute it? Either I’m perfect or I’m a fraud, right?
Then I get even more down on myself, because, here I am, working on a CD about how to wake up motivated, and this has been like one depressing day from beginning to end. Clearly my techniques suck and I am a poor excuse for a human being!
So I fire up the old mindhacking toolkit. What bad thing happens if I don’t have a perfect technique? The answer pops back:
I’m Not “Real”!
What’s bad about that? “I’m a fake.” Okay, sounds logical enough.
What’s bad about that? “I’m tricking people.” I get an brief flash of kids in school promising me things in order to trick and humiliate me. Ouch.
I ask a few more questions of myself, and also turn up a guilty memory of the one time in my childhood where I actually participated in bullying, not as the victim. Ugh.
I make a few mental adjustments, drop the fears and guilts, and it’s like the scales fall off my eyes. Why does CALL need to make me 100% perfectly happy the entire day? My attitude today was like 100% better in the face of the problems than it would’ve been even three weeks ago. Overall, a day as bad as today would’ve had me burying my head in the internet to escape it!
I can’t believe what a freakin’ jackass I’ve been, not only beating myself up, but doing so recursively. CALL is a technique for waking up motivated, and looking forward to your day. And so far, it works 100% for doing precisely that.
In fact, when I think back on it, I quickly realize that I’ve actually still been looking forward to the same things all day long, it’s just that there have been lots of annoying interruptions, and an interlude where I depressed myself using inappropriate “or” thinking.
Duh!
See, this is what it’s like to be a naturally successful person: you bounce back. In fact, until I let myself get down about the process, I was bouncing back all day.
Sure, it doesn’t mean you always instantly bounce back from everything. It means you progressively get better at bouncing back without needing to think about it, and sometimes, you need to consciously do something to bounce back.
And if you don’t automatically bounce back, it doesn’t mean you failed somehow, and are now a naturally struggling person again! (The way I kept thinking for a good chunk of last year and part of this one!)
So the hardest thing about becoming successful, is giving up on struggle. To stop evaluating everything through the either-or looking glass, that makes everything you do a failure.
Because to do that, you have to forgive yourself.
Not just in some intellectual way, where you decide that you ought to forgive yourself, “in principle”.
But in an emotional way, where you actually experience and acknowledge the harm done to you, or by you… like I did today with the kids who tricked me, and the one I tricked.
And what I also did, with the thing I first sat down to write about today!
Because, like I said, I’d been thinking about how to make the book get certain things across to my younger, naturally struggling self.
And earlier today, before I started writing this, I’d realized there was a reason I was so uptight about trying to talk naturally struggling people into doing what they need to do to change:
I’d never forgiven myself for not changing sooner!
All those years I wasted, reading self-help books, but never doing more than the tiniest fraction of the exercises in them… exercises I now realize, from a naturally successful person’s perspective, could have shaved literally years of struggle off my journey.
Because I always thought that just reading about something was enough, that I could easily just imagine what it would be like to do an exercise, and not bother with ones that didn’t seem important.
What a fucking idiot I was!
So up till now, when I’ve been working on the book, I’ve been mentally projecting my own past stupidity onto my readers, and trying to figure out how I could write something that could’ve broken through my own thick skull, back in those days.
(Not gonna happen, of course. I was just too boneheaded. Short of seeing myself come back in a time machine and hand myself the book personally, I think I probably still wouldn’t have listened!)
So in the first draft, I wasted chapter after chapter on building an airtight theoretical and metaphorical case for my methods, so that by the time I got to anything practical, my younger self would have to be absolutely convinced I was the real deal, and be ready to listen.
(Like that would’ve gotten my sorry ass out of a chair long enough to get a paper and pencil, let alone doing anything more complicated!)
But even after the main re-organization for version 2, I still had a lurking voice in the back of my mind, trying to make every chapter absolutely airtight, so that no critic or reader using “either-or” thinking would ever be able to find the slightest flaw or excuse to not do what I recommend trying.
Which is also never gonna happen!
Because nothing anybody ever says will ever be able to convince every naturally struggling person.
Because, when it comes right down to it, we all have to decide for ourselves. We can be led to the water, but it’s always up to us whether we drink.
So I forgive myself, again, this time letting go of the pain I caused myself by not taking action sooner. And the little voice drops away, taking with it my fear of failing my readers and my alternative-universe past-self.
And once again, as the fear goes, the clarity comes: all I need to do is include a brief section in each chapter, where I’ll explain how my past self would’ve fucked up if he were reading that chapter, and pointing out that if you, dear reader, can simply manage to avoid those particular modes of fucking up, then you will, in all probability, advance to the next level a hell of a lot faster than I did!
And that is enough.
Because I don’t have to be perfect.
And neither do you.
We just have to be forgiven.
–PJ
P.S. If you’re interested in learning the Fourgiveness technique I’ve been using to make these changes today, you might want to check out my Instant Self-Esteem workshop. As for the CALL technique, it’s featured on the May CD of my Effortless Way monthly subscription program, which you can still get as a bonus download if you subscribe today. (The April newsletter and CD are no longer available.)
Great explanation. Probably the clearest I've seen you explain the difference between the two mindsets.
That the path from struggling to success is not to struggle harder or to beat yourself up. It's forgiveness. And that success is not a destination. Not a place you can get to where there is no struggle, pain, fear, or failure anymore. Where everything is always good, and you are infallible. Success only exists in your approach to the journey.
These are things you have written about before but this article just seems to tie them all together in a way that finally clicks.
I think I'm starting to 'get it' now.
Thanks
I use an even simpler wording for this concept: "I did the best I could with the resources I had. Now what?"
The long version is "I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time, and if I was in that same situation again, with identical skills and knowledge and resources, I'd do exactly the same thing, but that's not going to happen because I (know better, have more resources, whatever) now. So, what's next?", which helps me avoid judging my younger self – because if I don't know better than to judge my younger self, I can't trust my future self not to judge my present self, and that's an unnecessary source of stress and perfectionism.
It also has the advantage of not being in an either/or format. 😉
Seconding what the other two said. It makes logical sense. I'm having trouble grokking it 'cos of my 'naturally struggling' mindset but it rings true.
I have a question re: the newsletters: Do you view them as disposable content? If they aren't, it seems there should be a way for newcomers to access the old ones. If they are, that seems a little disappointing.
P.S. For some reason the blog entry "How we get stuck" doesn't allow comments.
Thanks.
P.P.S. I suspect you already know the best way to persuade naturally struggling people of your veracity – you use it as the basis of your techniques. Rather than trying to convince them, ask questions that lead them to the answer. Force that cache miss. It worked for Socrates, after all. 🙂
Very powerful and courageous post, PJ – and thanks for the mention.
I'm still uncomfortable with the "naturally successful" label, since I have good/not-so-good days like everyone, but the fixed/growing mindset you mentioned definitely applies. The only thing that's under my control right now is how I use my time and energy *right now*, so I try to focus on that as much as I can, and try not to get bogged down on past things I can't change or future events I can't control. As long as I'm working on making progress right now, significant accumulation of gains over time is inevitable.
Re: "So when I used to compare myself to guys like Josh, who's got his business way more in order than mine in some ways, I would always find myself wanting…" You'll get a kick out of this: I often think the same thing about your business – you're creating value that scales far more consistently than I am at this point, which I'm working on improving. I don't feel bad about it – I'm just taking notes about what you're doing particularly well so I can do it well too! 🙂
I don't remember exactly when it was, but there came a point when I decided that I would never compare myself to someone else in a judgmental way – they're not me, and I'm not them, so a judgmental direct comparison is largely worthless and a waste of my limited time and energy. Watching what other people are doing is great to learn skills and techniques, but there will always be someone else who's more wealthy/powerful/skilled than I am, so I wish them every success and keep working on what I want to accomplish.
The "more loop" insight is right on – I'm noticing it at work as I'm writing my book. Every little change I make to the manuscript – even if it's correcting a simple spelling mistake – is one step closer to making it real, and that's incredibly exciting. Instead of a "final deadline," I'm working in iterations to keep the momentum going, and it's working wonderfully, since I'm ahead of schedule.
Keep up the great work, PJ – you're changing the world, one person at a time. Can't wait to learn more about CALL and IDOC!
Sorry PJ but I've read quite a lot of your posts and to me, you seem like a very genuine and honest man. That is, you seem exactly like a professional fraud.
Do you really want to help people? Or do you want to make money from people who need help, while refusing to help those who can't afford it?
I don't mean to be so abrasive but I am also quite frustrated with how little progress you've made. And all the hints you make, about what you get up to in meetings with subscribers, and teasing acronyms of techniques – IDOC and CALL, stink of scam.
I suppose it comes down to whether you truly believe your techniques actually work. If they do, why not teach them to everyone? Open source as it were?
It might seem a bit of a risk at first but, if your teachings are as good as you make out, word of mouth publicity would soon set you up as a master in the field. You would be helping millions more people.
If you're desperately short on money, let people give you donations. Once you've helped a few thousand people become successful, you're made. And there would be many more people interested in personal lessons and help which you could, in good conscience, still charge for – on account of it being actual work.
I'm really sorry, I don't normally write angry messages but, after many months of waiting, all I see is someone who hasn't written a book. I'm disappointed in how little you seem to believe in what you teach.
I actually give away a significant portion of what I do, between this site and the Thinking Things Done site, not to mention my comments on lesswrong.com. Very very few people actually take them and run with them, beyond getting a one-time high off of learning a "secret".
At an unconscious level, people really do believe that they get what they pay for.
You're probably not aware of this, but people constantly write me, basically asking for free help. And on occasion, I give in and actually try to help someone, usually with the condition that I can record our interactions to use as training or promotional material.
And invariably, the person does not follow through on their end of the commitment. They don't do what I ask them to, they flake out, and generally waste my time.
And if you ask anybody who trains people to be successful — especially in any money-making endeavor — they will tell you this happens to them ALL the time.
I expect that this is because a person who wants something for nothing, does not actually value their own change, or does not really believe that what I teach will help them… and then they sabotage themselves in order to sustain whichever belief they're operating from.
In contrast, the more someone pays me, the more likely they are to actually LISTEN to what I say and then actually DO it… and therefore, get results.
It would be nice if everybody did that. However, it's quite obvious that almost nobody does it at a price point of "free".
Thus, I can do a tiny fraction of people a slight monetary favor by giving out free stuff… followed by a lifetime of disservice due to the fact that they're not actually going to DO anything with what they learned.
Part of the Code of Owners is that we trade fair value for fair value. Specifically, "I will not treat myself as "unworthy", but will instead ask for what I want, and trade generously to get it."
In other words, an Owner doesn't go around begging for freebies, nor feel guilty about charging for their work.
And an Owner is *generous*: in the last six months, my subscribers received more than twice the supplemental material and workshops they were promised.
In short, your anger is misdirected. I'm the guy who's been giving out lots of free learning and entertainment on this blog for the past 5 years, asking nothing in return except that you read a few ads tacked on the end or in the middle. That's the deal, and you can take that or leave that.
And one way you can "leave" that, is to become a paying customer.
Or you can "take" it, and instead of focusing on what I've NOT included in my posts and other freebies, you can try to apply what I *have* included in them.
Which is quite a lot, actually, if you're determined to take away something useful, rather than looking for excuses why you can't do anything.
PJ, I want to thank you for everything you have taught me. When I first saw your websites, the idea of mind hacking was relatively new to me. Now, with your help, I have managed to change my life and the lives of others.
It seems however that, for now at least, there isn't much more I can learn from you.
I feel sad that someone as seemingly wise as you, still holds ideas like 'trade' as core values. I suppose I'm just someone who believes we could all achieve more if we worked together.
If you do find yourself interested in living in a more sharing world, I would suggest looking up the Venus project and the Zeitgeist movement. I'm sure you would find many friends there.
Sincerely, thank you.
The purpose of a trade between people, is for both people to be better off than when they started.
How is that not working together to make the world a better place? Two people's lives are improved thereby, after all.
If you disagree, then what you're saying is that only *one* person should benefit, and the other should not.
So tell me, if only one person benefits from an interaction, how does that make a more *sharing* world?
How do I purchase your products?
Actually, Ted has a point – your products AREN'T spectacularly easy to find. They seem to be scattered across several domains with few clear links between them. And when I found your MP3s, they weren't clearly labelled with a price. It'd be nice if your products were an organised, cohesive collection and were linked to from all your sites.
P.S. Anonymous: I've been irritated at times by PJ's frequent upselling too, but he DOES provide a lot of value for free. While I'd personally love if he gave me all his wisdom for free, he's already given away a lot more than he has to.
Self questioning is undoubtedly the best way to determine why you are struggling. Too many people wear their struggles like merit badges, "look at me, look how hard my life is…" I prefer to look at struggle as a form of growing pain. Growth requires a commitment to your dreams, a willingness to go above and beyond what you thought you were capable of.
I'm also intrigued by the discussion going on in the comments regarding giving away our knowledge versus charging for it. Too many people want something for nothing, and while a world that shares unconditionally would be a great thing, the reality is that I have to eat and feed my family. There is always a line between giving away free information and making a living.
People don't expect to walk into a business on Main street and have the owner simply 'give' them their wares… yet when we deal with less tangible services like mind training you are expected to give until you have nothing left.
Giving and trading are two sides of the same coin.
Peace,
Bob
Its been months and I've heard nothing about this book. In fact its been months since I heard it was going to be completed.
I do enjoy your writing but its getting ridiculous.
If you lived what you teach, then the book would have been completed many months ago.
This is becoming similar to the seriously obese Doctor advising the patien on the right diet and lifestyle – very good advice but credibility is shot.
That would only be true if writing the book were my highest priority. It isn't, and never was.
Hi PJ,
With only best wishes for you and the value you bring to the world, how's work on the book going?
I stopped by today to buy it.
Thanks!
Hey dude. Trying to get in touch with you. Where can I find your email?
You can change the way your mind works instantly, but it still takes practice to build a positive attitude? What? You said that as a computer programmer, you wouldn't use a system where you had to do the same thing over again, but you do this acronym thingie every night?
Being able to change instantly doesn't equal instantly building a skill — otherwise I could instantly learn to play the piano or become a sharpshooter. Skill development requires practice.
What i've come to discover is that its a lot about attitude and action. You always put it so well coz its one thing to understand and another to explain it to someone in a language they can relate to an you seam to get it all the time.