Last week, an anonymous reader wrote this comment:
how do you live your dreams when you don’t even know what they are what do you do when you have no passion, no drive no reason to get up and out of bed at any time of the day
So this week, I’m writing my answers.
Now, these answers are not medical advice. If you are or believe you are suffering from clinical depression, or you are feeling suicidal, please: get help from a trained professional.
However, if you’re in a slump, there are some simple things you can and should do – even if you are also going to get help.
There are two sides to depression: mental, and physical. Most of the time, it’s easy to assume that it’s the mental part that’s really the problem, because if you look around, you can always find something depressing in your life. However, more often than not, the physical component dominates. Seriously.
Indeed, over time I’ve begun to wonder if anything that actually happens in our lives is really the source of any depression, instead of us just noticing depressing things more often when our bodies’ hormones and neurotransmitters are on the blink.
There is, however, one major mental source of depression that I think our anonymous reader might be suffering from, and I will cover it towards the end of this piece. But please don’t skip ahead – no matter how much you might think it’s not physical, 9 times out of 10 it’s just something physical that you haven’t identified. Healthy animals don’t normally get depressed!
DO: Get Plenty of Sunshine
And by sunshine, I mean by going outdoors and having sunlight fall directly on your skin, for at least 10-15 minutes a day, preferably early in the day but late afternoon is good too. This makes a tremendous difference to my productivity level and mood during the day. Opening the shades to get natural light in my office helps too, but not nearly as much as getting outside does.
The body has plenty of hormones whose activity is regulated by sunlight. Sunlight is also a factor in the production of vitamin D.
DO: Move around
You don’t have to work out, you just have to get out. Take a walk. Bend over and pick stuff up off the floor. Bounce on a trampoline. Your heart isn’t the only muscle that pumps blood, and for that matter, blood isn’t the only vital fluid that moves through your body. The lymph system, for example, depends on movement and deep breathing, which brings us to…
DO: Breathe deeply
Depressed people look down and breathe shallowly. Don’t do that. Look up, so that your throat opens up and you can breathe deeply without effort. Combine this with moving around in the sunlight outdoors, and you’re almost set.
DO: Eat well
Specifically, get quality fats in your diet, preferably raw and unprocessed fats like avocado, olive oil, flaxseed oil, or fish oils. The latter two are especially high in omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids: a substance that a significant part of your brain is made out of! Not getting these nutrients is like a zombie not eating brains: very bad! (Mmmm, brains!)
DON’T: Eat processed foods
You already know that fast food is bad for you. What you may not know is that processed grains and sugars whipsaw your body’s blood-sugar regulation mechanism, and your mood along with it. Remember the case of the guy who shot the mayor of San Francisco and supposedly got away with it due to the infamous “Twinkie defense”? ’Nuff said.
(Yes, I know it’s an urban legend. Here’s more scientific info about a possible link between depression and sugar, from the British Medical Journal)
The Mental Side
Okay, so you’ve got the physical side covered. You’ve been eating right, moving, breathing, and sunning for three days and you still don’t see any point to life, even if you do feel better. Now what?
In my experience, the thing that’s left is not so much that you have something to feel sad about, but that you have nothing to feel happy about. Whatever it is that truly matters to you, you don’t believe you can get it.
Sometimes, you are so convinced that the thing you want is out of reach, that you forget you even wanted it. You might have already written it off years ago as being unrealistic… or just plain unreachable.
Since then, you’ve focused your attention on what you think are achievable goals. But these goals don’t inspire you, because they’re not your goals. They’re not the things you really love or were really meant to do in this life.
And the emptiness you’re experiencing is a reflection of the empty place where what you wanted used to be.
To Embrace Life, Embrace Pain
If you gave up a dream, it’s because you believed keeping it would cause you greater pain than giving it up.
And you were right: dreams are always more painful than not having them.
But the absence of dreams is a painless void, empty of meaning or substance.
To return to your dreams will involve pain, because life is pain and joy. Disconnecting from the pain of what you really want, means disconnecting from the joy as well.
So my suggestion to you is to find what you used to desire and believe in, that you no longer believe you can have. And that you consider whether it’s better to tell the truth about what you want – and perhaps feel the pain of not having it – or whether it’s better to feel nothing at all.
When you’re hurting, it’s easy to believe that pain never passes. But life goes on, and no feeling is ever permanent – not even the loss of your dream, whatever it is or was.
Comfort is Depressing
And when it comes right down to it, this kind of depression is only for people who have nothing better to do. The caveman running away from the sabertooth tiger doesn’t have time to think about being depressed; he’s too busy trying to survive.
You see, a lack of challenge dulls the mind and body – and self-esteem! If you only do what is easy or necessary, then what the hell are you here for? You’re just killing time and taking up space – and you know it. No wonder you feel bad!
So take a look at what people who lead fulfilling lives are doing. Chances are, it involves doing something challenging. Maybe even something really, really hard. We applaud people who set new world records, not people who successfully get out of bed in the morning.
Not that applause means or should mean anything to you. Your own esteem is really what counts here. But do you congratulate yourself when you walk to the refridgerator to get a beer, or when you do fifty abdominal crunches? Which one is more fulfilling, the one that’s easy, or the one that’s hard as hell and twice as painful?
You know, for the longest time, I kept trying to make my life easier. It wasn’t until a month or so ago that I started to realize just how unbelievably fucking stupid that was. We’re not here to have an easy life. We’re not even here to do the things that we have to do. We are here to do the things we choose to do, and sometimes we choose to do them because they are challenging, not in spite of it. Would you keep playing a video game that was trivial to beat?
Dream Only Impossible Dreams
So, do you want the short recipe for getting rid of this kind of woe-is-me depression? Look for something that you currently cannot do. Then go do it anyway. And if you end up succeeding, start looking for something else.
But don’t look for something that will “fulfill you”, or “inspire you”, or anything else that’s directed back at your own otherwise-meaningless existence. Look for something that you believe should exist, something that you love for its own sake, not yours. Because the thing is, self-consciousness and despair are nouns. They don’t *move. * But love is a verb, and it makes things real.
And when you make things real, you create the meaning of your life.
We are here so we can breathe our life and soul into things that matter. We are here to make meaning from our lives, not to “find” meaning in them. That is, your life is the raw material from which other things are made. What do you want to make with your life? Not for your sake, or even for the sake of others, but simply for the love of the thing itself?
That’s the important question. And when you answer it, all the rest – including your reasons to get out of bed – will fall in place, to the extent that they even matter.
You have an interesting point of view.
As someone who had long-term clinical depression, and is just now suffering a relapse triggered by something very, very specific, I must say that I don’t fully agree with you.
Right now, my life is just about the best it’s ever been. I have a home I am proud of; my relationships are going well; I feel challenged by my leisure and volunteer activities, I am fitter and healthier than I have ever been. And yet, I am depressed. There is one sour note in the symphony of my life, and it definitely ruins the harmony.
However, I suspect you and I are talking about different types of depression. The grey apathy that descends when nothing is interesting, nothing is worthwhile, and you’re just going through the motions is what you are aiming at, I think. Finding a center, a drive, is enough to dissapate it – not easy, I know, but doable.
The black despair of failure, on the other hand, is far more situational, specific, and difficult to remedy, especially when you are not entirely in control of the situation. It’s one thing to have depression that’s defined by an absence; it’s quite another to have depression that’s defined by the presence of something you can’t be rid of.
Those are just my thoughts.
Regards,
aiofe.
“””However, I suspect you and I are talking about different types of depression.”””
That’s correct. As I stated at the beginning, this post isn’t about clinical depression.
“””The black despair of failure, on the other hand, is far more situational, specific, and difficult to remedy, especially when you are not entirely in control of the situation.”””
Which is why I recommend getting professional help in that case. The one time that I experienced something like that in my life, I certainly did — which is part of why I’m still alive to talk about it.
“””And yet, I am depressed. There is one sour note in the symphony of my life, and it definitely ruins the harmony.”””
You didn’t ask for advice, but if that was your intention, then I would suggest — if you are not already doing this — that you fully listen to and hear this “sour note” and allow it to resonate entirely through your soul. You may find that it is merely the reversed echo of something very dear and special to you, and that you can cherish it despite its absence.
Too often, people try to cope by dividing themselves to split off the part that feels pain. But the route to healing is to *feel* the pain completely. Not as some kind of trick to make it hurt less, but simply because it is a part of your life and amputating a portion of your soul isn’t really an improvement.
Which one is more fulfilling, the one that’s easy, or the one that’s hard as hell and twice as painful?
You know, for the longest time, I kept trying to make my life easier. It wasn’t until a month or so ago that I started to realize just how unbelievably fucking stupid that was. We’re not here to have an easy life. We’re not even here to do the things that we have to do. We are here to do the things we choose to do, and sometimes we choose to do them because they are challenging, not in spite of it.
I really want to see some treatment of the metaphysical aspects of how we figure out what we choose to do.
No one exceeds one heartbeat from their demise.
The root of all misery is an unclear grasp of the why of existence.
Hence the popularity of religions, and the fact that purely intellectual answers posited for the “why” question have filled bookshelves, without actually delivering, in an unambiguous, universally argreed-upon way, the holy grail of all such pursuits: meaning.
<><
Thanks.
I needed that 🙂
Ideed, I needed that too.
Thanks a lot.
Great post, Phil.
One other physical condition to check: are you getting enough sleep? Getting irregular or incomplete sleep can also upset your physical rhythms.
Beatiful post PJE!
“””Right now, my life is just about the best it’s ever been. I have a home I am proud of; my relationships are going well; I feel challenged by my leisure and volunteer activities, I am fitter and healthier than I have ever been. And yet, I am depressed.”””
I think you should read the post again, especially the last paragraph. Are those things that you mentioned something that YOU want in your life, did you make them for yourself for your own meaning of life OR do you just have them because of societies expectations and standards?
“””I really want to see some treatment of the metaphysical aspects of how we figure out what we choose to do.”””
We don’t figure out what we choose to do. We *create* it.
We don’t *find* meaning in our lives. We create meaning *with* our lives.
Your life is like a pile of bricks and cement: what do you want to build with it?
That is all the metaphysics there is.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’ve been feeling really hellishly “depressed” lately. I’ve had many questions about the way things are going. With no answers and no idea on how to find those answers. There were dreams I left behind that I picked up recently that started to fulfill me. Then there was a standstill. I started thinking maybe there is something else. There is, no there are! I’ve so many interests in life. I want to acomplish them all. And you know what it’s hard and now I realize that’s what I need to do – something hard (not all at once, of course – I’d have no energy for that). For so long I’ve just been telling myself I have a job where I am making a good amount of money and it allows me to do things I like…on the side. But I have to suffer through it. I don’t like what I do at all and I don’t want to suffer. I want the joy while I am living my everyday existence. I realize I don’t want a career at all. I want to throw myself into something enjoyable, do it for as long as I need to excel at it or enjoy it and move on to the next obstacle. Now the joy begins!
I admire you for the way you think, I’ve been trying to express this feeling for weeks now, but havn’t been able to put it into words, yet you..someone who’s not even feeling it, somehow easily managed to point out the exact feeling and cause of it. You’re extremely admired by me right now, take pride in that, please. I hope with all of my heart that you are living a happy life. And if not, please ty to. You, for some reason, have managed to inspire me.. and it would be a shame if you couldn’t inspire yourself enough to work for the life you want. Thank you very much for this article.
I have been very depressed lately. In fact, more than hyper-depressed if the word exists. I live in a country whose claim to limelight is record-high inflation, unemployment, poverty… And really guys, nothing makes sense or is worth doing anymore! Im in the office right now, with 15 days before the next pay day, and I’ve just realised I’m not going to finish the month alive. I only have enough money to get back to work for the first two days of next week, so needless to mention that I have dependents, one who has to get money to go to work, two of whom are kidz who obviously can’t be asked to forego any meal simply because there just isnt enough food, or money to add to whats there.(all of who were left in my custody by a relative) You see, in this country, its not really about whether you choose to have a healthier diet or not… there so little affordable food that one has to do with whatever one can get. So even if I meant to eat better, I have to restrict myself to supper only each day, so that the rest of the family can get enough. So here is a short story about today’s events; I have realised that I can only come to work for three more days on what money is left, I have a bank overdraft which I arranged because there was nothing left to cook or use in the house, which means half of my salary will be wallowed the moment it hits the account, I have to pay school fees for next term before the first of may for the kids(which fees are nearly thrice my gross earning of usd90 at current rates), the kids will need grocery, I have to send my mother some money because she is broke to the last cent, there’s no bread on the supermarket shelves, I cant complete my schoolwork because the opportunity cost is starving the family(and my employer has taken advantage of this)… I could publish a book!!! Im asking myself if its worthwhile coming to work any longer.
So Im really convinced that life isnt worth living. How do I start to tackle such a myriad of painful afflictions? I would really want to indulge in a small business that will give me some extra income but I also have nothing the sort of capital, not even usd10 to buy tomatoes for resale!!!
Today after a little reading on this site, I told myself that life must have a better meaning. There must be a purpose, beauty and order that is not rendered meaningless by the frustrating chaos in which I(and several other worse off innocent people) find ourselves tangled. I have vowed that I am a man and I will not blink, let alone shed a tear. But the faith is eroding now. The strength is sapping out and Im running out of options.
Ideas very welcome. Serious help sought for.
To have hope, you must have something to hope *for*.
Something that you desire and believe in… even if it doesn’t seem like it could really happen.
Swim for the island.
Thank you:)
Your article on depression and not having a challenge is so well done. Challenge is important. i have been in AA for almost 14 years and alanon for nearly 2. i noticed my depression kicking in for the last 3-4 months. i was going to meetings regularly, taking prescribed meds for bipolar disorder. after psycho analytically looking within and try to sherlock holmes my way out of it, i finally surrendered to reality not, clinical depression.
i am not what depression tells me what i am. i think we all can relate to a loud inner critic. i needed to hear your thoughts on challenges they were very inspiring. i am 42 years old and have 2 children one in the way.
i want to coach basketball, and finish my degree. i understand now the ithing you said about fearing you won’t succeed and how thaqt makes you feel. i can attest one thing based on personal experience,
my brain turns into spoiled cream cheese without a good challenge.
thanks for the poisting
“Which one is more fulfilling, the one that’s easy, or the one that’s hard as hell and twice as painful?
You know, for the longest time, I kept trying to make my life easier. It wasn’t until a month or so ago that I started to realize just how unbelievably fucking stupid that was. We’re not here to have an easy life. We’re not even here to do the things that we have to do. We are here to do the things we choose to do, and sometimes we choose to do them because they are challenging, not in spite of it.”
THANK YOU!!! This hit home, its exactly what I needed to hear/read.
I hate how days like this (New Year) make me feel sad. As if I’m standing still and the world is spinning without me. It’s a lonely feeling. I just feel so utterly alone sometimes. My husband’s at work, but even if he were here, I’d feel like this. I have no friends, no one to call, no one to think about me. Yeah I have my husband, but he’s not enough most of the time. Sometimes I feel as if he is just a security blanket and having him near me doesn’t make me feel any more alive. I’m stuck in a rut. I need something to be passionate about in my life. I don’t care about school anymore. I have no hobbies that inspire me. I spend my free time trying to escape from my reality of nothingness, usually by immersing myself into someone else’s adventure through tv, movies, and books. When will it be my turn to have an adventure? I feel like a whitewashed fence that dreams of being Technicolor but doesn’t know how to achieve that because…I’m just a fence. No, I’m not suicidal. I’m just pale, invisible and inverted with no real reason to be here. I’d do anything to have a reason, a direction, a passion, a mission, an anything. I would drop out of school, with only 1 semester left to go, if an opportunity presented itself for me don my rainbow wings and fly high amongst the clouds of spontaneity and adventure. It’s lonely here on the surface, with tears filling my soul. It’s frustrating beyond measure to know that I am chained to the “concretia” of earth, because I haven’t the money necessary to buy the key of my freedom. American dream….*sigh*, it’s more like this gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, knowing that you will never have the opportunity to achieve all that you are capable of. I can’t believe that, if I am lucky, I have another 60-70 years to “live” with this wrenching sensation.
You say to find our old dreams; the painful ones that were so out of reach that we locked them away. The thought scares me. My dream would be challenging and would involve a complete makeover of my life. However, the realities of life keep me from even trying. When you are poorer than dirt, every moment of your life is spent just trying to survive. This survival is not the challenging kind that keeps life interesting, it is the soul-breaking kind that is reminiscent of standing on an ever shrinking precipice where any false step spells the doom of you and your family.
I think reaching for those dreams is a perk of the comfortable; those who don’t have to worry about basic survival.
For me, this depression is a side effect of my reality, that I have to bury down inside in order to do what needs to be done. Every once in a while, I allow myself the time to truly feel my pain, but it ends up making me feel more helpless.
Perhaps those who have the luxury to live their dreams should put a portion of their efforts into improving America for everyone else. Universal health care, family friendly workplace reforms, and raising minimum wage would be a good place to start.
I am really depressed with the way my life is going, without any bliss. I want to do certain things and I know they are very important for me to get life back on the right track. But somehow am not able to focus on them. I know I have to work hard and challenge myself for that, but its easier said than done. I know that watever am doing with my life will take me nowhere but still…
The advice you have given on this will cerainly help me to be enough enthusiastic about life, smiling all along.
thx.a lot 🙂
this is great, thank you, i needed this
Depression must be dealt with whether it is mild or severe. I completely agree with your advice to spend a few minutes in the sun each day. I do, and it does wonders for my mood, and I notice a difference on days I am unable to walk in the sunshine. Exercise, rest and nutrition are key and if symptoms persists seek professional help.
reading that made me feel a little better… b4 i read this i was in tears.. thinking of just it be better if i wasnt around.. i have and am have been in major depression for years . i cant remember when i was normal. but i have just figured this out that i am depresssed.. and i need help . i sleep too much and all the symtoms r there but people think and tell me that i am worthless and i feel worthless and useless… my life sucks and i cant help it and i know why now but its so so hard i want to do better but i cant i try so hard but its like something holds me back and think i should just give up and let it all go and kill myself
you need to pick one thing,just one small thing and focus on it,then when you get there and do it,you pick another ,a bigger one,you take it slowly.you need to know mostly whatever your prblems are there are others with the same and worst,you take one goal at a time and never give up
I am very sorry for aiofe…not sure what your situation is that you can not be rid of…I will pray for you. As for me, I found this blog to be extremely helpful.
The author says" We are here to make meaning from our lives, not to find meaning in them."
This is the most useful idea I have read on the web in many long years and it has opened a corner of my mind that has been closed for some time. By the way, I have had a string of personal tragedies whose impact has followed me for a long time, so I am no stranger to pain. Good luck.
Such words of wisdom, thank you so much. Your insight and approach are new to me, I have never 'heard' of depression from this perspective before. This really touched me as i am already doing most of the things you recommend. Your book will be widely read.
I just wanted to thank you for writing this. You have inspired me to get out of bed finally. Im going for a run right now thanks to you. And I think I'll study after, too. Your words hit home!
Hi P.J.
Are you still reading these comments?
I would like to make contact with you because of your method I use to help people, even to get rid of depression.
Kind regards,
Mark Biemans
http://www.paradigmas.nl
Yes, I'm still reading. You can reach me via my contact form.
An amazing read that has really helped cut through the fog of depression. The most frustrating thing has been not being able to see what has been causing the depression but this has really hit home as a lack of challenge, neglecting sleep and nutrition have all played their part (plus working in an office with no windows).
So off I go to peruse new challenges whilst getting more sleep and getting the correct nutrients.